When I look into that eye, I have a lot of stuff run through me. I love her so much and she is showing me everyday parts of myself that I thought had healed. She represents hope and insecurity all in one. I give her everything I have and sometimes I feel like that is just not enough. I wonder if we will reach the goals I want to reach or if we are always going to be stuck in the cycle of her losing her stuff , and me waiting and hoping she calms down.
I listen to a lot of coaches and mentors in the business world who say you just have to give one extra something, or do one extra something else and you will reach the goal you are going towards. With horses, kids or any other creature, especially baby versions of those beings, you have to be careful with that mentality. Sometimes you asking for that one more thing can push them over threshold and then they shut down on you or over react. Sally never shut downs, she is a spicy little survivor who over reacts, to be honest there are many days I would like for her to shut down, but that is not how I built her. I wanted this horse to not be like Annie was when I got her, just an empty shell who I had to pry through layers to find who she is. Annie taught me so much on our journey, and now I have Sally teaching me even more .
Sally as of late has sucked the fun out of being in horses. Since I changed stables she is in constant scaredy horse mode, waiting for the next boogie man to come and get her. This makes training her feel like Groundhog Day every day. We have had so many set backs lately. Her newest boogie man, is a beautiful grey warmblood who moved in two stalls down from her. It is just crazy to me that my filly is afraid of another horse. How is she afraid of her own species, especially when it really can’t get to her? Oh my, she showed me a part of myself, I woke up thinking about this.
I realize that I do carry around a lot of insecurity within myself when it comes to people, especially lately. I realized that when I moved my horses I had been so hurt so many times by people at my last facility (not by my friends but by others) that I had lost trust in people, especially fellow boarders. If I am feeling like everyone is waiting for me to slip up or make a mistake I have to be sending that down the lead line to my horse. Sally is reflecting exactly how I feel inside. I, just like my little girl only know one way to deal with that feeling and it is to run. Well running is not going to get me towards my goals unless I am running toward my goal. Like they say, worrying/pacing, is like a rocking chair, it won’t get you anywhere but it will give you something to do. Sally has taken to pacing, I have taken to playing out scenarios in my head! We are a mess right now! The good thing about messes is that the area always looks better once cleaned than it even did before the mess was made because ultimately you move something to a new place or throw out something that was never needed.
So today, I plan to go to my horses with literally the only goal being for the three of us to relax and enjoy each other’s company. If Sally has not calmed down, I am probably going to switch Annie and Sally’s stall just to see if that helps, and hanging my cameras again. I have a huge goal to go to the ABRA world show in 2023, right now if I am honest, there is no way that is going to happen, but I am not letting that goal evaporate, I am just looking for the steps to take to get there. I will make mistakes along the way, but as long as I learn from them who cares, then it went from being a mistake, to a lesson learned. My baby girl and I will get there, even if it does mean buying a buckskin mini to put in her stall with her as a emotional support animal. Why buckskin you ask, well then I can show it at the ABRA show too!
Have an amazing Wednesday! XOXO, Jen “God Is Great, Most People Are Good, and Kiss Those Furbabies ❤️”