On November 22, 2019 I made one of the hardest decisions of my life. I chose to free Buttons from the pain of the awful disease PSSM and send her back to Jesus’ pastures on the other side of the rainbow bridge. I was quiet for the most part last weekend with the exception of a video that I posted on my personal Facebook wall. Since last Friday I have not cried as much as I thought I would, and I have been able to band aid the shattered pieces of my heart.
Buttons was 19 years old and by anyone’s standards a beautiful horse. Her body was in great condition if you didn’t know any better, and her face was absolutely gorgeous. She was a lot of people’s ideal horse. What most people didn’t know was that she had PSSM. A disease that would cause her to unexpectedly get a muscle cramp from the tips of her ears to bottom of her hooves. Her skin would look like it was crawling. This would lead to many painful days for our girl and the recovery was almost as hard as the episode. With every episode the nerves in the location of the attack would become more sensitive. To put it plain and simple I had to make the choice to end this cycle of pain.
Buttons and I had a wonderful year showing this year. Below are pictures from this summer.
When Hailey got hurt in January after coming off of Buttons she pretty much decided she was finished with riding horses, but especially with showing. Buttons and I made the commitment that we were in this together. I never in a million years thought I was going to lose Buttons before I lost my Annie. I did though! I am still trying to wrap my mind around this. The what if’s I had done this, could I have done more, what did I do wrong? The answers to all of those questions are simple, I did everything I could do. This disease is awful, and it ripped my girl away from me, and threw my heart to the ground in the process.
The first night I lost my mind with grief, I cried the ugliest cry I remember in a long time if ever. I never thought losing my Button Top Prissy would hurt so much. She was supposed to be Hailey’s horse, not mine, this was not supposed to literally ache in my chest, but it did. I have lost animals and humans before but this, this hurt more than I remember any of those. Buttons’ last words to me were, “I am leaving now, bye.” Then she went down. I watched her fall to her right side, just as I knew she would with that being her weaker side. I watched her energy leave her body, I knew the moment her heart stopped beating, I knew when her spirit had transitioned to the Heavenly realm. I looked up and there was her energy, no longer attached to her body that had held her in painful captivity, she was now free to run with my other animals on the other side. I did a video as I stated before the next day, and cried again in front of God and everybody. There will be another blog post regarding that in the future.
Here we are, one week later. Thanksgiving was on Thursday and it rained most of this week. I worked and did the best I could to continue on with life. This is the only way I know to grieve, by continuing in forward motion so I don’t get stuck. It was sad for me obviously, but I had to keep moving and taking care of my family, animals, and customers. I was back to working on Saturday, I massaged three horses, and then went out to take care of my girls. It was a really long day, but it made the grief easier to manage.
As the week has gone on I have obviously had moments of sadness but the tears are no longer flowing. I now can speak to people about it without that familiar lump popping up in my throat. The ache in the heart is still there and I can still feel grief oozing out of the cracks where I have tried to mend it, but we are getting there. I pray for each and every one of you who is still hurting from the losses of the past, and I hope you can mend your hearts. You are not alone in your hurts, and I am here if you need to talk. The best way I have found to deal with a broken heart is to fill it with new memories and hold on to that love!
So Much Love To All of You!
Jen
Harmel's Helping Hands 